0019 Thrive and Connect: Suicide Survivors – LOSSTeam: Amanda Stidam

Amanda Stidam is a LOSSTeam member (www.lossteam.com). She relates her mother’s suicide one day after her 35th birthday, which became a dividing point in her life. She felt alone and didn’t find resources until later. She now dedicates herself to helping make sure there are resources in her county.hope-candle-hands11205410_s

She discusses generational issues with respect to mental illness.

Difficulties communicating with her husband and daughter surfaced over time. A big part of the difficulty was the loss of her mother whom Amanda focused on keeping happy. The death left Amanda having to decide who she would be.

Amanda compartmentalized and became and expert “plate spinner.” She became extremely task-oriented.

Through therapy she learned to like herself and process her mother’s suicide.

When working on the LOSSTeam and making contact with a recent survivor she goes back in time to her mother’s suicide and uses that experience to help the recent survivor.

Amanda shares the tools she uses for herself in helping others to deal with being recent survivors.

Her advice to someone who feels lost right now is this: “You matter!”

Amanda describes how to get a lost one’s name on her marathon running shirt via a Facebook link Suicide Sucks Run.

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0018 Thrive and Connect: Suicide Survivors – LOSSTeam: Winona Barstow

Winona Barstow is a suicide survivor and LOSSTeam member (www.lossteam.com). The LOSSTeam provides comfort and support without giving advice or therapy. It directs the survivor towards resources hope-candle-hands11205410_sthat can help.

Winona was 10 years old when she experienced the loss of her loved one, her mother. She received no counseling and was told to accept it and just move on. The next 10 years were very rough. She looked and acted like her deceased mother, which triggered her primary caregiver, her grandmother.

Her grandmother dies 5 years after her mother. Winona was then forced to live with another relative followed by becoming a ward of the state.

This led to drugs and alcohol plus tumultuous marriages.

Eventually, she attempted suicide herself.

Under the care of an empathetic counselor Winona started transitioning by going back to age 10 and moving forward. It has helped her with her own children and improving her own mental health.

Being on the LOSSTeam has helped her recovery by being able to be present for others.

Winona is pleased with how she has reclaimed her life. Counseling has helped her get the focus off herself and instead help others.

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0017 Thrive and Connect: Suicide Survivors – LOSSTeam: Phyllis Crevison

Phyllis Crevison is a survivor of suicide who talks about the loss of her son and her recovery path that led her to joining the LOSSTeam (http://www.lossteam.com/hope-candle-hands11205410_s).

Phyllis shares the difficulties her son experienced including difficulties i romantic relationships plus education and challenges in the military.

The one big thing she came to realize is even if it is someone you think will never do it, you don’t know how desperate they might be. Fear of death can disappear. They are just looking for a path out of the suffering.

Phyllis talks about the initial shock she felt that seemed like an unrealistic dream pushing her to the edge and the gratitude she has for the compassion shown by the LOSSTeam that showed up after her son completed suicide. Now, as a LOSSTeam member herself she tells of the empathy she can bring to the situation.

Phyllis emphasizes the need to take the loss one day at a time. There can be times that one gets triggered and needs to just take it as it comes.

Building a remembrance scrap book with her son’s friends was hard but healing.

Again, her advice to listeners of this podcast is to take it one day at a time and work through it. It CAN get better.

She emphasizes the importance of respecting the reality that different people have different paths back to health.

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0016 Thrive and Connect: Suicide Survivors – LOSSTeam: Greta Mayer

Greta Mayer chairs the Suicide Prevention Coalition (http://www.mhrb.org/suicide-prevention.aspx) in Clark, Greene, and Madison Counties in Ohio as of Sept, 2014.

She talks about interfacing with suicide survivors and what she, as a professional, has learned from hope-candle-hands11205410_ssurvivors.

In addition to making positive connections, Greta brings up the need to expand LOSSTeams in order to provide more services, especially with regards to survivors understanding other survivors. Clinicians can only go so far.

Also, clinicians and agencies themselves need additional resources in order to build a peer-to-peer connection network for supporting the suicide survivor and all the aspects of their life which is impacted by suicide.

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0015 Thrive and Connect: Suicide Survivors – LOSSTeam – Misconceptions: Dr. David Miers

Dr. David Miers (http://www.bryanhealth.com/) share the misconceptions suicide survivors run into on a routine basis. These misconceptions stigmatize survivors to the extent they will choose to stay quiet and withdraw. This is especially true hope-candle-hands11205410_swith regards to being asked, “Why?” as to why their loved one completed suicide.

Another question that can make the situation even worse is, “Why aren’t you over it yet?”

What is needed is the understanding grief is a process and journey requiring support and listening rather than statements such as, “Pull yourself up by the bootstraps.”

In terms of providing support what is better is doing the work of providing space for the survivor to process and remember what is good about the deceased individual. Communication is key. This is one of the key activities the LOSSTeam (www.lossteam.com) provides. The LOSSTeam supports the family and social structure heal and stay intact.

A large component of this is understanding and helping overcome the fear survivors feel. Support individuals can simply ask open-ended, neutral questions such as, “Tell me about your loved one,” and not comment.

How LOSSTeams work and can be called upon is explained. There is no counseling or therapeutic activity. There is just listening and pointing towards resources that can help.

Families who don’t contact LOSSTeams or similar support resources can take up to five years to reach out and ask for support. Those who had contact with the LOSSTeam reached out to resources within 39 days.

Postvention (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postvention) is defined: reaching out for support after the loved one completed suicide.

Local county health boards can be contacted to find support.

For the LOSSTeam to be effective the survivor support network needs to be in place.

Dr. Miers shares how common it is for those who are suicide survivors to have thoughts of suicide themselves, being 9 times more at risk than the general population. Thus, the importance of reaching out for support after a loved one has completed suicide.

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0014 Thrive and Connect: Suicide Survivors – LOSSTeam – Bullying: Dr. Don Belau

Dr. Don Belau (http://www.nelossteam.nebraska.edu/) shares his thoughts on two topics: his research and work on bullying and the separate topic of the history of the LOSSTeam (www.lossteam.com) conference and the benefits it provides.hope-candle-hands11205410_s

With regards to the LOSSTeam conference: it provides a forum for LOSSTeams from around the world to come together and share their work, insights, and, experience. He emphasizes how this work has helped build trust with law enforcement agencies at a local level.

Dr. Belau describes the dynamics of bullying, self-injurious behavior, their impact on at-risk-for-suicide children, and how to deal with the situation. A critical component for success is the acceptance of the at-risk child by their family. Friends and other key adults are important as well since the at-risk child may approach parents last, talking with others first.

Behavior techniques for changing behavior are explained for both the bully and victim. Included in these changes are the 3 D’s:

– Diffuse the words;
– Distract the bully’s thinking through verbal or physical techniques, and;
– Distance oneself from the bully.

Roll play and practice is encouraged.

The impact of fear and loss of control are discussed.

Schools can form support groups to practice the 3 D’s.

The impact of peer groups is discussed along with the ineffectiveness of just shaming/blaming the bully and calling their parents. Giving up on the bully can hinder improving the situation for the at-risk child. Better is teaching the bully pro-social skills, different responses, and the value of making amends.

Switching topics back to the LOSSTeams and what they can provide: support to those who survive suicide. The is especially true when those around the survivor go back to their daily routines.

The idea of having a sponsor frame-of-mind is discussed.

Dr. Belau shares the value of better training for 2 groups of people:

– Clinicians helping those with suicidal ideation as well as survivors of suicide, and;
– Those in colleges and universities training in the field of mental health.

Emphasis is placed on healing with the heart rather than only having a cognitive focus.

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0013 Thrive and Connect: Suicide Survivors – Ohio Supreme Court Justice (ret.) Evelyn Stratton

Retired Ohio Supreme Court Justice Evelyn Stratton discusses her path of increased awareness of and desire to help those with mental illness, individuals who should be in the health care system rather than prison.hope-candle-hands11205410_s

She shares her personal experience of losing a close friend who had lost his wife to suicide and in turn decided to end his own life.

The fact is mentioned that lawyers have a rate of depression three times greater than the normal population.

She also points out that suicide doesn’t always have the face of mental illness.

By helping the survivors of suicide deal with their issues the odds increase that they will become healthy and stay healthy. Her advice to those around a survivor is to be proactive. Don’t wait to be called, go ahead and contact them.

It can help to wait a few weeks after the traumatic event. It may fill a void created by those who initially help but eventually have to go back to their daily routine.

Justice Stratton points out that friends of the deceased may have their own difficulties even though not a relative. This can apply to friends at work or a cashier at the store. They should seek support as needed.

The possible ambivalence towards life and the fact an individual can go back and forth between wanting to live and wanting to die is discussed. She relates a friend who acted normal while planning his own suicide. The signs aren’t always there to observe in a clear-cut manner.

Suicide and mental difficulties among the military and how the legal system should deal with them is discussed along with the difficulties of reintegrating into daily life. She relates how her experience in this arena has shown the value of veteran courts being used to help these at-risk individuals. Specifically there are veteran justice outreach specialists available to help veterans in the criminal justice system. There are 17 such veteran courts in Ohio.

Justin Stratton discusses drug-and mental health courts and how they accept the challenge of getting the individual out of the criminal justice system through support.

7000 police officers in Ohio have been trained with regards to mental health issues. She stresses, though, that one not need wait for others to take on the responsibility. Just reach out and try to help one veteran. If you want to help you can go to the Ohio Department of Veteran Services if you want to help if you want to help whose website provides a great deal of services and resources.

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0012 Thrive and Connect: Suicide Survivors – Post-Traumatic Growth: Dr. Melinda Moore

Dr. Melinda Moore talks about her current area of research which is military suicide bereavement. She has also worked in the nonmilitary sectors as well.

She references her website www.posttraumaticgrowth.com which was used for her dissertation research. It now is open to the general public for those who are interested in bereavement information.hope-candle-hands11205410_s

The potential for growth in an individual who has been berieved by suicide is presented.

This post traumatic growth is a positive psychological construct that occurs with individuals who have experience psychological trauma.

Dr. Moore describes the loss of her husband Connor in 1996 and how reading Dr. Edwin edit Edwin Shneidman’s book, “The Suicidal Mind,” was beneficial in dealing with the unrealistic, tremendous responsibility she felt for issues outside of her control. This can tend to be a gender-based issue since women typically are the caretakers and their family.

Shneidman discusses how women can be held responsible for their husband’s suicide.

Dr. Moore discusses the risk of falling into a shame state which frequently is reinforced by those around the survivor. This can reinforce the internalization of the suicide and withdrawal from society that the survivor is feeling.

Dr. Moore’s advice to a listener who’s experiencing that withdrawal is go to the Internet and find as much information as you can from reputable organizations such as the American Association of Suicidology (www.suicidology.org), books by Jack Jordan and John McIntosh, Frank Campbell’s website (www.LOSSteams.com), and other sources referred to in podcast. Suicide bereavement organizations are also recommended. References can be found at the American Association of Suicidology.

Seeking out local support groups as well as online support groups is highly encouraged.

The stereotypes that men can run into when they are survivors of suicide are discussed. This includes the stereotype of men being expected to hide their feelings in difficult situations and when feeling pain.

Survivors are encouraged to let go of beating themselves up over the belief that there were some signs they had missed regarding the loved one considering suicide.

However, if some loved one does indicator having thoughts of suicide then be supportive in helping them find the proper resources.

The challenges parents face when there are surviving children are also discussed. There is a very complicated balancing act required for the parents not only deals with throne grief but is supportive of the surviving children in dealing with their grief. Seeking immediate help from competent professionals is strongly recommended. It is important to keep in mind that not all psychological professionals are trained in addressing the issues associated with suicide. The Dougy Center for Grieving Children (http://www.dougy.org) is a great resource for grieving children as well as parents.

Dr. Moore talks about the personal satisfaction she is felt by helping others who have gone through the experience of losing a loved one through suicide.

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0011 Thrive and Connect: Suicide Survivors – LOSSTeam: Dr. Frank Campbell

Dr. Frank Campbell (www.lossteam.com) describes how the LOSSteam was created to provide support (postvention) for those left behind after someone completes suicide.He found through his years of practice people at hope-candle-hands11205410_srisk for suicide would have reached out for help sooner if they knew where to go. People who did find resources did so through stumbling across available resources.

Childhood and generational issues and the connection with suicide are discussed.

Dr. Campbell shares the challenges of people not familiar with crime scene etiquette showing up to help survivors of suicide.

LOSSteams developed around the need to support survivors of suicide while practicing the appropriate etiquette to avoid contaminating a potential homicide scene.

The stresses the surviving family and loved ones face at the scene are described along with what the LOSSteams can provide in terms of support.

Dr. Melinda Moore’s presentation on posttraumatic growth is woven into the discussion. Those who have recovered from major trauma can gain a sense of the work that needs to be done as a suicide survivor and take on the challenge. In fact, by doing this they might be better able to help others who have survived suicide.

The difference between grief, trauma, and bereavement is presented.

Victor Frankel’s, and Joseph Campbell’s, along with Gestalt therapy and psychodrama’s understanding one can’t think their way through trauma is used to show the need to work through one’s individual trauma with proper support in order to heal. This is especially true when working through day-to-day reminders that can feel insane.

The use of a talisman and healing representing the deceased is shown to be valuable when working to stay connected to self.

Dr. Campbell shows how the survivor can get back into life and feel well.

The LOSSteam members do best just being with the survivor initially, seeing them as they are, and pointing the way towards health without counseling.

The disorientation associated with suicide is compared to the untethered experience of astronauts in the movie “Gravity.”

Dr. Campbell closes discussing the growth that has occurred with LOSSteams in Ohio and the good feeling that goes with it. For more information go to www.lossteams.com.

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0010 Thrive and Connect: Mythic Events – Weddings 3 – The Bride and Groom

The Mythical Event series continues with episode three – A Wedding: the Bride and Groom. The bride and groom are assessed in light of Episodes 0008 and 0009 plus their assessment results with wedding 23120033_sthe Majors PT Elements.

The Personality Formation Score, Native Type, and the 8 Jungian Processes measured in real time are discussed.

The two major parts of Personality Formation Scores – perseverance and level of adaptation – are discussed in depth along with their combined score which indicates one’s believed ability to succeed.

Their native type (Jane = ENFP, John = ESFJ) is compared to their 8 Jungian Process scores. This is combined with along with information from earlier podcasts to show the explanatory and predictive power of the Majors PT Elements.

Harvey Hendrix’s seminal book, “Getting the Love You Want,” is brought into the picture for its central concept of imago – a merging of the plusses and minuses of powerful people in our past and how we bring the problems of imago into present day relationships trying to make the past work.

The benefit of being self-aware with regards to all the above information and putting it to work in relationships is discussed.

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0009 Thrive and Connect: Mythic Events – Weddings, Part 2 – Sympathy for the Devil

wedding 23120033_sJennifer and Gary discuss weddings and families with Jennifer first talking about a multi-generational family vacation and how behaviors evolve over time.

Gary then continues presenting his experience at a wedding and associated behaviors vis a vis the light side vs the dark  side. This includes the desire for parental redemption, control, and treating people as objects all in the name of love. These are contrasted with the genuine need for letting go, negotiating with others, and being respectful of everyone involved in order to honor the bride and groom.

To sharpen the focus between light- and dark side behaviors word pairs are provided:

  • connecting vs dominating
  • control vs letting go
  • urges vs love

This all is positioned with respect to how Shadow drives to have expectations met so wounds and ego can be protected.

Jennifer reflects on the reality this can actually be a life-long struggle.

Finally,  Jennifer closes with a personal experience with her father revolving around the Rolling Stones, “Sympathy for the  Devil.”

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0008 Thrive and Connect: Mythic Events – Weddings, Part 1

wedding 23120033_sA new series is started comprising mythic events – births, deaths, weddings, divorces, etc. – and the impact they have on behaviors and decision-making.
The ability to make decisions and seek out options in difficult situations is emphasized.

This episode focuses on a wedding, its ramifications, and finding the best where ever possible.

Jung’s advice when dealing with difficult people is also shared, i.e., understand where they are coming from and make a decision that is in one’s best interest rather than reacting and adding to the negativity.

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0007 Thrive and Connect: Ambiversion

Janus_shutterstock_31408900Gary and Jennifer discuss the popular topic of ambiversion with Jennifer using herself as an example.

Ambiversion arising as an artifact of limits associated with Myers-Briggs assessments is discussed. The roots lie in Jung wanting to know directly what is going on in a person’s mind with the 8 function-attitudes. Myers-Briggs measures whole type, e.g., ENFP for Jennifer.

Whole type is a heuristic developed along the path towards understanding what is going on NOW within a person, i.e., the 8 function-attitudes.

Having said that, it is important to remember that whole type does measure native wiring — our PREFERRED way to make decisions. When accurately measured, the 8 Jungian processes tell us how we are ACTUALLY using the function attitudes.

For example, Jennifer is very “E.” She likes people and relationships. However, she does prefer to get away and just be left alone to work on whatever she feels like doing at the moment. Simply put, she is an extrovert but has developed introverted skills. She goes back and forth between the two. She isn’t no any fence. She’s just developed a broader range of skills.

If you find this topic interesting please comment or give us a call!

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0006 Thrive and Connect: Jung and Bone-in Chicken: Part 2

Gary continues the discussion from last week regarding the opportunity to grow and connect through the use of frustrating situations in relationships. The importance of finding the line between the challenge of growth vs the pain of submissiochicken breast_41838060_sn is emphasized.

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0005 Thrive and Connect: Jung and Bone-in Chicken

Listen as Gary discusses a couple arguing over the price of chicken. A deeper dive into the issue is presented which addresses the underlying chicken breast_41838060_sissue of stress from life’s changes and how the impact is perceived differently depending upon one’s type.

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0004 Thrive and Connect: APTi Conference Wrap-Up, The Majors PT Elements Assessment, and Community Promotion

hands supporting a wallAfter an exciting week in Miami at the APTi (Association of Psychological Type-International) convention. Gary and Jennifer discuss their first trip out as vendors plus making presentations.
The benefits of getting to talk with other Type-oriented individuals is also discussed.

The features of the Majors PT Elements are presented, including:

– Highest accuracy for the 4 dichotomous types, e.g., ENFP;

– presentation of personality formation scores indicating the extent to which one relies on oneself or adapts to working with others;

– the unique Majors-Jungian 8 Process Scores which measure in real-time how an individual uses their 8 function-attitudes.

Listeners are encouraged to get their message out by participating in one of our podcasts or being a guest blogger!

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0003 Thrive and Connect: APTi Conference and Community

Jennifer shares her sojourn from Jerusalem through Moscow to New Jersey to (eventually) Miami for the APTi (Association of Psychological Type – International) conference.Woman traveler on globe

She discusses the impact of being in survival mode for 5 years leading into a discussion with Gary about personal mythology, the need for abundance and how the conference plays into that.

They share one of the important goals of “Thrive and Connect” which is having experts share their story.

Gary discusses the two change management presentations he will be making at the conference – presentations which emphasize the need to treat people with respect in order to sustain and grow a business.

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0002 Thrive and Connect: The Backstory

Jennifer Rojas, an ENFP and the other co-host, tells her background in diversity and fascination with conflict and people’s stories while Gary, an INTJ, shares his path through project management into change management.

A cornerstone in their relationship is Carl Jung’s belief that the pain and unfairness of life is to be embraced in order to see oneself more clearly and in a simple manner. Jung essentially helps make sense of the world.

Part of the personal transformation that occurs in this process is sharing one’s uniqueness in community. No holding on, just participating.

Jennifer tells her personal journey through the unfairness of life and how she began the process of reclaiming herself in spite of going to a foreign land, being dumped (bad marriage), having no money, no car, and little understanding of the language.

Jennifer and Gary discuss how their business lives wove together, the influence of Carl Jung in that process, and how that led to this podcast along with the formation of Aurelius Press.

Attitude and its effect on dealing with failure and success is compared to the saying, “Where ever I go, there I am.”

The importance of compassion in spite of the unfairness of life is stressed.

You, the listener, are encouraged to participate in building community by providing feedback and comments.

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0001 Thrive and Connect: The Black Knight

In this inaugural episode the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail is discussed as a figure of reactivity. Other forms of reactivity include:

Black Knight shutterstock_129370907

  • obsession with safety and security;
  • over-focus on survival;
  • excessive pleasure-seeking;
  • preoccupation with power and position, or;
  • commitment to destruction and revenge

Ironically, we tend to start with positive motivations when slipping into reactive mode.

Gary Monti introduces himself and discusses how connection with self and others can lead to greater abundance and a happier life.

Jennifer Rojas, the other co-host who will be present in the next podcast, is mentioned with respect to her training in diversity.

Intimacy is critical in making connections. This means dropping masks and letting go of coping mechanisms. New behaviors need to develop.

These changes are grounded in discipline and community.

The discipline will be brought by Gary and Jennifer along with other experts who will be invited to join the show.

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